Listen Up: When Listening Isn't Enough

Knowing when to move from attention to action

For nine days, you've been learning to listen.

Today, I'm going to tell you something that might seem like it contradicts everything we've worked on:

Sometimes listening isn't enough. Sometimes it's not even the right thing to do.

This is the hardest lesson. And the most important.

When Listening Becomes Complicity

Here's what I've learned in 30 years of difficult conversations:

There are moments when listening without action is not compassion, it's avoidance.

When a student tells you they're being abused, listening isn't enough. You call authorities.

When an athlete shows signs of an eating disorder, listening isn't enough. You get them to a professional.

When a colleague makes racist comments, listening isn't enough. You name it and challenge it.

When someone is in immediate danger, listening isn't enough. You intervene.

Listening is a powerful tool. But it's not always the right tool.

The Three Questions

Before every difficult conversation, I now ask myself three questions:

1. Is this person safe?

From others? From themselves?

If the answer is no, listening is not your primary responsibility. Safety is.

2. Does this situation require expertise I don't have?

Mental health crisis? Legal issue? Medical emergency?

If yes, listening is step one. Referral to someone qualified is step two.

3. Is my listening creating space for change, or enabling harm to continue?

This is the hardest question.

Sometimes "being there" for someone means they never have to face consequences or get real help.

The Athlete I Had to Confront

Five years into coaching, I had an athlete who was struggling with anxiety and disordered eating. She'd come talk to me. I'd listen. She'd feel better temporarily.

This went on for months.

I told myself I was being supportive. That listening was what she needed.

One day, another coach pulled me aside: "You're not helping her. You're helping her avoid getting professional help. Your listening is enabling her to stay sick."

That gutted me. They were right.

The next time she came to talk, I said, "I care about you. And I can't keep having these conversations without you also seeing a professional. I'm not qualified to help you with this. Please make an appointment with the counselor?"

She was angry. A parent was angry.

She made the appointment. It was the right thing to do.

The Listening-to-Action Continuum

Not every conversation needs action. But you need to know where you are on this continuum:

Level 1: Pure Listening They need to process. Work through thoughts. Be heard. No action required.

What to do: Friend venting about a frustrating day. Your job: Listen.

Level 2: Listening + Reflection They need you to mirror back what you're hearing so they can hear themselves.

What to do: Student unsure about major. Your job: Listen and reflect their own wisdom back to them.

Level 3: Listening + Resources They need information or connection to resources.

What to do: Colleague struggling with work-life balance. Your job: Listen, then share resources if asked.

Level 4: Listening + Direct Feedback They need honesty, even if it's uncomfortable.

What to do: Friend in a destructive relationship. Your job: Listen, then speak truth.

Level 5: Listening + Immediate Action Safety is at risk. Listening alone is insufficient or harmful.

What to do: Someone in crisis. Your job: Listen, then act—call for help, report to authorities, intervene directly.

The Signs You Need to Act

How do you know when to move from listening to action?

Move to action when:

✓ Someone expresses intent to harm themselves or others ✓ You hear about abuse (especially of children or vulnerable adults) ✓ Mental health symptoms are severe and worsening ✓ Addiction is escalating and untreated ✓ They're asking for help but don't know how to access it ✓ Power dynamics make it unsafe for them to act alone ✓ The pattern has repeated many times without change

Stay in listening mode when:

✓ They're processing normally difficult life stuff ✓ They have capacity and resources to act ✓ They need space to figure things out themselves ✓ Your action would disempower them ✓ They're not asking for advice or intervention

The Balance

Here's the tension: We live in a world that over-intervenes and under-listens.

People rush to fix, advise, solve, rescue, and before they've truly heard.

I've spent nine lessons teaching you to listen first. To slow down. To create space. To hear fully.

I don't want to overcorrect so far that you think listening is always the answer.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do after listening is to act.

The Questions to Ask Yourself

After listening, ask:

1. "Is this person safe right now?" If no → act immediately

2. "Is this within my capacity to handle?" If no → refer to someone qualified

3. "Am I the right person for this?" If no → help them find the right person

4. "What does this person actually need from me?" Sometimes it's just listening. Sometimes it's more.

5. "If I do nothing beyond listening, what happens?" If the answer is "harm continues" → you need to act

The Grief Counsel Lesson

In my years doing grief counseling and hospice work, I learned this principle: Presence first. Action when necessary.

Sit with someone in their pain before you try to fix it.

But don't sit so long that you miss the moment when sitting becomes abandonment.

A grieving widow needs you to listen, not to give advice or rush her healing.

A grieving widow who hasn't eaten in days and is talking about "joining them" needs you to act. Get family involved, call her doctor, don't leave her alone.

Same person. Different moments. Different responses. Listening is the foundation. Sometimes you have to build on that foundation.

The Practice

This week's practice is about discernment. Review the important conversations you've had recently.

For each one, ask:

• Was listening enough?

• Should I have done more?

• Did I act when I should have just listened?

• Did I just listen when I should have acted?

Going forward:

• Listen first (always)

• Assess what's actually needed

• Be willing to move beyond listening when the situation requires it

• Don't confuse "being supportive" with "being helpful"

What This Means

You now have ten lessons in listening. You know how to:

1. Distinguish listening from hearing

2. Stop talking

3. Breathe and prepare

4. Focus and remove distractions

5. Lean in with your body

6. Listen for what's not being said

7. Use strategic silence

8. Ask transformative questions

9. Listen across difference

10. Know when listening isn't enough

You've learned to listen. Now learn when to act.

The goal was never just to be a good listener.

The goal is to be a good human, someone who knows when to be present and when to intervene, when to hold space and when to take action.

Listening is powerful. It's not always sufficient. Trust yourself to know the difference.

Next week: Not sure yet. I am gathering data for my PhD in a couple of weeks and that has been time consuming. Maybe we can explore some of those topics. Let me know in the comments, how I can help.

Practice everything you've learned. Notice when you listen well. Notice when you need to move beyond listening.

You're not just learning skills. You're becoming someone who truly sees and hears others.

That matters more than you know.

Weekend Reflection: When has someone listened to you and then acted on your behalf? What did that mean to you? And when have you wished someone would stop just listening and actually do something?

Dr. Tom Lobaugh teaches communication, listening, and ethics at Boise State University, coached high school track and field for 20 years, and is completing his PhD in Psychology with an emphasis in Performance. Learn more at tomlobaugh.com

Listen Up: Listening Across Difference

How to hear someone when you completely disagree

This is where listening gets hard.

You've learned to stop talking, breathe, focus, lean in. You've learned to listen for what's not being said, to use strategic silence, to ask transformative questions.

All of that falls apart the moment you're sitting across from someone whose views make your blood boil.

How do you listen to someone you think is wrong? Harmful? Dangerous?

This is the question I get most from students. And it's the most important listening skill I can teach.

The Thanksgiving Table Test

Think about the last family gathering where someone said something that made you want to throw your mashed potatoes.

Maybe it was about politics. Religion. Social issues. Something that matters deeply to you, and they landed on the opposite side with absolute confidence.

What did you do?

If you're like most people, you did one of three things:

1. Engaged in battle. You argued. You corrected. You explained why they were wrong. The conversation devolved into a fight.

2. Shut down. You went quiet. Changed the subject. Avoided that person for the rest of the evening.

3. Performed agreement. You nodded along, keeping peace, while internally seething.

None of these is listening.

What Listening Across Difference Is NOT

Let me be clear about what I'm not asking you to do:

I'm not asking you to agree with harmful views.

I'm not asking you to stay silent in the face of injustice.

I'm not asking you to give equal weight to facts and lies.

I'm not asking you to pretend differences don't matter.

Listening across difference doesn't mean accepting the unacceptable.

It means understanding how someone arrived at their position—so you can determine whether dialogue is possible or whether boundaries are necessary.

The Two Types of Disagreement

Not all disagreements are created equal. And the listening strategy changes based on what type you're dealing with:

Type 1: Different Values or Priorities

Example: You prioritize environmental protection. They prioritize economic growth. You both want human flourishing but weight factors differently.

Listening Strategy: Seek to understand their underlying values and the experiences that shaped them. Find common ground in shared goals even if you disagree on methods.

Dialogue Potential: High. You can build understanding even if you don't change minds.

Type 2: Different Relationship to Reality

Example: They deny established facts. They're operating in a conspiracy framework. They reject shared sources of truth.

Listening Strategy: Listen to understand what emotional needs this worldview meets for them. What fear, anger, or powerlessness is this belief system addressing?

Dialogue Potential: Low on the surface issue. But might be higher if you can address the underlying emotional reality.

The Student I Almost Wrote Off

Four years ago, a student in my Ethics class made a comment about other religions different from their religion that made me see red.

My first instinct: Shut him down publicly. Make an example of his ignorance.

Instead, I took a breath and asked: "Tell me more about why you see it that way."

He talked about his family and how he was raised, shared feelings like his family had been forgotten. About fear that felt very real to him, even if his conclusions were problematic.

Here's what I learned: His facts were wrong, but his pain was real.

I didn't agree with his position. And I understood, for the first time, how someone gets there.

Over the semester, his views shifted, not because I argued with him, but because I listened to him. And in being heard, he became willing to hear. If I'd shut him down in week three, nothing would have changed.

The Listening Stance

When listening across deep difference, adopt this mental stance: "I'm listening to understand, not to agree or convert."

Your goal isn't to change their mind in this conversation. It's to understand how their mind works.

This requires:

✓ Genuine curiosity (even when it's hard) ✓ Separating the person from the position (they're not reducible to this one view) ✓ Believing they're making sense to themselves (even if not to you) ✓ Recognizing your own certainties might be limited

The Five Questions for Listening Across Difference

When you're in conversation with someone you disagree with deeply:

1. "What experiences shaped your view on this?"

Gets past the position to the story. People's views make sense when you understand their context.

2. "What concerns you most about this issue?"

Identifies their core fear or value. Often, you'll find common ground in the concern even if not the solution.

3. "What would you want someone who disagrees with you to understand?"

Invites them to articulate what they feel is most misunderstood about their position.

4. "Have you always felt this way, or did something change your mind?"

Explores their journey. Sometimes reveals they were once where you are now.

5. "What do you think people who disagree with you are most concerned about?"

Tests whether they can articulate the other side fairly. If they can, dialogue is possible. If they can't or won't, maybe not.

When Not to Listen

Here's the hard truth: Not every position deserves your listening energy.

Some conversations aren't in good faith. Some positions actively harm people. Some "debates" are designed to exhaust you, bully you. You get to choose where you invest your listening.

Don't listen when:

• They're deliberately trolling or baiting you

• The conversation is abusive or dehumanizing

• You're being asked to debate your basic humanity

• They're unwilling to extend the same listening to you

• You're emotionally or physically unsafe

Do listen when:

• They're genuinely struggling with a complex issue

• You have relationship capital with them

• There's actual potential for growth

• Your listening might prevent further harm

• You have the emotional capacity to do so

The Coaching Parallel

I coached athletes with wildly different worldviews. Some I agreed with politically, religiously, philosophically. Others I didn't.

On the track, none of that mattered.

What mattered: Could I listen to this athlete in this moment about this struggle without needing them to be someone different?

The athletes I helped most weren't the ones who agreed with me about everything.

They were the ones I learned to listen to as whole human beings, even when we saw the world differently.

The Practice

This week's challenge is the hardest yet:

Listen to someone you disagree with. Really listen, without arguing or correcting.

Not someone dangerous or abusive. Someone you have relationship with who sees an issue differently than you do.

Use the five questions. Try to understand, not convert.

After the conversation, ask yourself:

• Do I understand their position better?

• Did I learn something about how they think?

• Did listening to them cost me anything I wasn't willing to give?

• Is continued dialogue possible and worthwhile?

Then decide: Do you engage further? Do you set boundaries? Do you agree to disagree?

But decide from a place of understanding, not assumption.

What This Isn't

This isn't about being nice. Or civil for civility's sake. Or pretending we're all just different shades of right.

Some things are true. Some things are false. Some positions cause harm.

But before you can effectively challenge a harmful position, you have to understand why someone holds it.

Listening across difference doesn't weaken your convictions.

It makes your response more strategic, more human, and more likely to create change.

Tomorrow: "Listening Lesson #10: When Listening Isn't Enough (Action vs. Attention)"

Have you ever changed your mind about something important? What made that possible? Was someone listening to you part of that shift?

Dr. Tom Lobaugh teaches communication, listening, and ethics at Boise State University, coached high school track and field for 20 years, and is completing his PhD in Psychology with an emphasis in Performance. Learn more at tomlobaugh.com

Listen Up: Questions That Transform

Stop asking 'Why?' and start asking what matters

I've sat through thousands of conversations in my twenty-five years of teaching, coaching, and pastoral care.

And I've learned this: The wrong question can destroy a conversation. The right question can save a life.

Most of us have never been taught how to ask good questions. We default to the ones that feel natural—but natural doesn't mean helpful.

Today, you'll learn the difference.

The Worst Question

Let me start with the question you need to stop asking:

"Why?"

"Why did you do that?" "Why didn't you study harder?" "Why do you feel that way?" "Why can't you just...?"

Here's what "why" communicates to the person you're asking:

Defend yourself. Justify your choices. Prove to me that you're not stupid or lazy or wrong.

"Why" sounds like curiosity. But it almost always lands as judgment.

The Athlete Who Shut Down

Early in my coaching career, an athlete missed a height she should have cleared easily. She walked back to me, clearly frustrated.

I asked: "Why did you miss that?"

She shrugged. "I don't know."

I pushed: "But why did you hesitate on your approach?"

"I said I don't know."

Conversation over. She shut down completely.

What I meant: "I'm trying to help you figure this out."

What she heard: "You're disappointing me and I want you to explain why you're failing."

The Better Questions

Years later, different athlete, same situation.

This time I asked: "What happened on that jump?"

Not why. What.

She thought for a moment. "I got in my head about my steps. Started counting instead of feeling."

"What were you thinking about?"

"That I might hit the bar. That everyone's watching."

"What do you need from me right now?"

"Just... remind me I can do this."

Same situation. Different question. Completely different conversation.

The Five Question Types That Transform

1. Open-Ended Exploration: "Tell me about..."

Instead of: "Did you have a good day?" Try: "Tell me about your day."

Why it works: Invites narrative instead of yes/no. Gives them control of what matters.

Example: "Tell me about what's making you anxious about this presentation."

2. Feeling-Based Inquiry: "What was that like for you?"

Instead of: "Why did that upset you?" Try: "What was that like for you?"

Why it works: Acknowledges their experience without requiring justification. No defense needed.

Example: "What was it like when your boss said that in front of everyone?"

3. Future-Focused: "What do you want?"

Instead of: "Why can't you make a decision?" Try: "What do you want to happen?"

Why it works: Moves from past problems to future possibilities. From stuck to moving.

Example: "What do you want this relationship to look like?"

4. Clarifying Invitation: "Help me understand..."

Instead of: "That doesn't make sense." Try: "Help me understand what you mean."

Why it works: Positions you as learner, them as expert. No judgment implied.

Example: "Help me understand why that moment mattered so much to you."

5. Deepening Follow-up: "Tell me more about that."

Instead of: Jumping to the next topic Try: "Tell me more about that."

Why it works: Signals that what they just said matters. Invites them deeper into their own thinking.

Example: They mention feeling lonely. You say: "Tell me more about that loneliness."

The Questions That Create Shame

Some questions are conversation killers. They shut people down, create defensiveness, or generate shame:

❌ "Why didn't you...?" (Implies they should have) ❌ "Don't you think...?" (Leading question disguised as inquiry) ❌ "Have you tried...?" (Assumes they haven't thought of obvious solutions) ❌ "What's wrong with you?" (Judgment masquerading as concern) ❌ "Why can't you just...?" (Minimizes their struggle)

These questions all share something in common: They position the asker as superior and the answerer as deficient.

The Classroom Transformation

I teach question-asking in my communication classes through role-play.

Student A shares a struggle. Student B asks questions.

First round: They ask natural questions. Usually lots of "why" and "have you tried" and "don't you think."

Student A reports back: "I felt judged. Like I had to defend myself."

Second round: They use transformative questions. Only "what" and "how" and "tell me about."

Student A reports: "I felt heard. Like they actually wanted to understand, not fix me."

Same scenario. Different questions. Completely different experience.

The Questions That Go Deepest

After 25 years, here are the questions that consistently crack conversations open:

"What's the hard part?" Gets past the surface problem to the real struggle.

"What are you most afraid of?" Names the fear that's driving everything.

"What do you need?" Direct. Simple. Powerful.

"If you could say anything right now without consequences, what would you say?" Creates hypothetical safety for truth-telling.

"What would it look like if this worked out?" Shifts from problem to possibility.

"What's one small step you could take?" Moves from overwhelm to action.

"How can I help?" Only ask if you genuinely mean it.

The Student in Crisis

A student came to my office in tears. Family emergency. Falling behind in classes. Didn't know what to do.

Old me would have asked: "Why didn't you email me sooner?" (Judgment disguised as question)

Instead, I asked: "What do you need right now?"

"I need someone to tell me I'm not failing at everything."

"You're not failing at everything. You're handling a crisis and still showing up. What would help you get through the next week?"

"An extension on the paper.”

"You have the extension. And I believe you can do this. What else?"

The right questions created space for her to identify what she actually needed, which wasn't advice or solutions, but acknowledgment and time.

The Practice

Today's challenge:

Ask five transformative questions in your conversations.

Before you ask any question, pause and ask yourself:

• Am I asking this to understand, or to judge?

• Does this question invite them deeper or put them on defense?

• Am I positioning myself as superior or as curious?

Replace:

• "Why?" with "What?"

• "Have you tried...?" with "What have you tried?"

• "Don't you think...?" with "What do you think?"

• "Why can't you...?" with "What's making this hard?"

Then ask. And listen to how they respond differently.

What You'll Learn

Good questions don't just get better answers.

They create different conversations entirely.

They invite people into their own wisdom instead of defending against your judgment.

They open doors instead of closing them.

The question you ask shapes the answer you receive.

Choose wisely.

Tomorrow: "Listening Lesson #9: Listening Across Difference (When You Disagree)"

What's a question someone asked you that changed how you saw something? What made it powerful?

Dr. Tom Lobaugh teaches communication, listening, and ethics at Boise State University, coached high school track and field for 20 years, and is completing his PhD in Psychology with an emphasis in Performance. Learn more at tomlobaugh.com

Strategic Silence (The Power of Shut Up 2.0)

When silence is the most powerful thing you can say

In Lesson #2, we learned to stop talking.

Today, we are learning to stay stopped—even when every fiber of your being wants to jump in.

This is advanced work. And it will transform your most important conversations.

The Ten-Second Rule

Here's something I learned from a grief counselor I worked with during my years in hospice care: When someone finishes speaking, count to ten before you respond.

Not out loud. In your head.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.

Ten seconds of silence.

It feels like an eternity. You'll want to fill it. Your brain will scream at you: Say something! This is awkward! They're waiting for you!

Don't.

Count to ten.

Here's what happens in those ten seconds:

What Silence Creates

Second 1-3: Discomfort

Both of you feel it. The urge to fill the space. The social pressure to keep the conversation moving.

Second 4-6: Settling

The discomfort eases slightly. They realize you're not going to rush them. You're not going to hijack the conversation.

Second 7-10: Deepening

This is where magic happens.

They realize they have more to say. They go deeper. They add the thing they were afraid to share. They get to the truth underneath the first truth.

Most people never hear this part. Because most people can't make it past second three without jumping in.

The Office Hours Story

A student came to see me about a paper. Standard stuff—wanted feedback on her presentation.

She explained her argument. I listened. She finished.

Old me would have jumped right in: "Okay, here's what I think..."

Instead, I counted. One. Two. Three...

At second five, she said: "Actually, that's not really what I'm struggling with."

I stayed quiet.

"I don't know if I belong here. In this major. In college. Everyone else seems so confident and I feel like I'm faking it."

There it was. The real conversation.

If I'd responded at second two, we would have talked about her thesis for twenty minutes and she would have left still carrying the weight of what she actually needed to say.

The Three Strategic Silences

Not all silence is the same. Here are three types of strategic silence and when to use each:

1. The Invitation Silence (After They Finish Speaking)

When to use it: They've said something, but you sense there's more

How long: 5-10 seconds

What it communicates: "Take your time. I'm not rushing you. There's space here for you to say more."

Example: They say, "I'm thinking about quitting." You count to ten. They add, "My boss is making my life miserable, and I can't take it anymore."

2. The Processing Silence (After You've Asked a Question)

When to use it: You've asked a meaningful question and they need time to think

How long: As long as they need. Could be 30 seconds. Could be a minute.

What it communicates: "This question matters. Your answer matters. I'm not looking for a quick response—I'm looking for a true one."

Example: You ask, "What do you really want?" Then you shut up and let them think. Really think.

3. The Holding Silence (When They're Emotional)

When to use it: They're crying, angry, or overwhelmed

How long: Until they're ready to speak again

What it communicates: "I can handle your emotion. You don't need to pull yourself together for me. I'm here."

Example: They start crying. You don't say "It's okay" or "Don't cry." You just sit with them. Present. Silent. Holding space.

The Coaching Field

Twenty years coaching high jump taught me that the best coaching often happens in silence.

An athlete would fail an attempt. Walk back to me. I could see the frustration, the disappointment, the fear building.

Every instinct said: Coach them. Fix it. Tell them what went wrong and how to correct it.

Instead, I learned to ask one question: "What happened?"

Then shut up.

Really shut up.

Let them figure it out. Let them process. Let them coach themselves.

The athletes who grew the most? The ones I gave space to think instead of feeding them answers.

Why We Can't Stay Silent

Here's why strategic silence is so hard:

We think silence means we're not helping. We equate talking with being useful. If we're not speaking, we feel like we're failing them.

We're uncomfortable with emotion. When someone cries or gets angry, we want to make it stop. Silence means sitting in their discomfort with them.

We want to prove we understand. Jumping in with "I know exactly what you mean!" makes us feel connected. But it's false connection.

We're afraid of the truth. Sometimes we stay talking because we don't want to hear what will emerge in the silence.

The Practice

Today's challenge requires courage:

Use strategic silence at least three times in conversation.

1. After someone finishes speaking: Count to ten before you respond.

2. After you ask a meaningful question: Let the silence stretch while they think.

3. When someone is emotional: Don't rush to fix or soothe. Just be present.

Notice what happens.

Notice what they say in the silence.

Notice how the quality of the conversation changes.

The Student Who Needed Time

Last semester, I asked a student at coffee on campus: "Why did you choose this major?"

Standard question. Usually gets a standard answer.

But this time, I counted. I let the silence build.

Ten seconds. Twenty. Thirty.

She finally said: "I didn't. My parents chose it. And I don't know how to tell them I hate it."

That silence created space for truth.

The Permission

Here's what I want you to understand: Silence is not emptiness. It's space.

Space for thinking. Space for feeling. Space for truth-telling. Space for becoming.

When you stay silent, you're not abandoning the conversation.

You're creating room for something real to emerge.

Tomorrow: "Listening Lesson #8: Questions That Transform (Stop Asking 'Why?')"

What's the longest silence you've ever sat in during a conversation? What happened in that space?

Dr. Tom Lobaugh teaches communication, listening, and ethics at Boise State University, coached high school track and field for 20 years, and is completing his PhD in Psychology with an emphasis in Performance. Learn more at tomlobaugh.com

Listen for What's NOT Being Said

The advanced skill: listening for silence

There's a moment in every honest conversation when the real issue emerges.

It's rarely in the first three sentences. It's not in the polite opening or the surface explanation.

It's in what they don't say.

The pause that lasts too long. The subject they circle around but never land on. The emotional reaction that doesn't match the words coming out of their mouth.

This is where most listeners miss everything that matters.

The Athlete Who Couldn't Say It

Three weeks into the season, one of my high jumpers started missing practice. When she showed up, her attempts were halfhearted. She'd clear heights she could usually sail over, then pack up and leave early.

I called her over. "What's going on?"

"Nothing. I'm just tired."

She wasn't making eye contact. Her voice was flat. Her body language was closed off.

Here's what I heard in that moment: Everything is wrong, but I can't tell you.

If I'd listened only to her words, I would have said, "Okay, get some rest," and let her go.

Instead, I listened to what she wasn't saying.

"You're not tired," I said gently. "Something else is happening. And you don't have to tell me what it is. But I want you to know I see it, and I'm here when you're ready."

She burst into tears.

Her parents were divorcing. She was failing a class. She felt like she was drowning and couldn't tell anyone because everyone expected her to be strong.

The words she said: "I'm just tired."

The truth she couldn't say: "I'm falling apart."

The Three Types of Silence

In lifetimes of conversations—in classrooms, counseling rooms, athletic fields, hospital bedsides—I've learned that silence speaks in three distinct languages:

1. Processing Silence

They're thinking. Searching for words. Trying to articulate something complex.

What it looks like: Eyes moving, face thoughtful, body still engaged

What they need: Time. Space. Your patience while they find the words.

What NOT to do: Jump in and fill the silence. You'll interrupt their thinking process.

2. Protective Silence

They're holding something back. Something they're afraid to say, ashamed to admit, or uncertain you can handle.

What it looks like: Eyes avoiding contact, body closing off, energy shifting

What they need: Safety. Permission. A signal that it's okay to be vulnerable.

What to say: "Take your time," or "There's no rush," or "I'm listening."

3. Empty Silence

They've said everything they need to say. The conversation is complete.

What it looks like: Relaxed body, peaceful expression, sense of resolution

What they need: Nothing. The conversation is done.

What NOT to do: Force more conversation. Let the silence be enough.

Reading the Mismatch

The most important skill in advanced listening: noticing when words and emotions don't match.

A student says: "I'm fine with the grade." Their face says: I'm devastated.

A colleague says: "No problem, I'll take on that extra work." Their body language says: I'm already drowning.

A friend says: "I'm happy for you." Their tone says: I'm jealous and hurting.

When words and emotions don't align, the emotion is always telling the truth.

The Classroom Lesson

I teach with a listening laboratory in my communication classes that students struggle with at first.

They are in groups of 3 to 4. One person talks for three minutes about something they learned in the reading or their life. The other persons listen without speaking. Not one word, not one sound.

And here's the key instruction: "Listen not just to what they're saying, but to what they're not saying. Watch their body language. Notice their pauses. Pay attention to what subjects they avoid or circle around."

After three minutes, the listeners shares: "Here's what you said. Here's what I thought I heard underneath what you said."

Students are always surprised.

"How did you know I was actually talking about my dad when I was telling that story about my roommate?"

"How did you know I was scared, not angry?"

"How did you hear what I couldn't say?"

Because they stopped listening only to words and started listening to the whole person.

The Questions That Go Deeper

When you sense someone is holding something back, these questions create space for them to go deeper:

"What are you not telling me?" Direct, but gentle. It gives permission.

"It seems like there's something else..." Observational. Non-accusatory. Invitational.

"What's the part that's hard to say?" Acknowledges the difficulty. Makes it okay to struggle.

"If you could tell me anything right now, what would it be?" Hypothetical safety. Sometimes people need that distance.

Or simply: "..." Sometimes silence is the best question. It creates space for truth to emerge.

The Practice

Today's challenge is the hardest yet. Have a conversation where you listen for what they're NOT saying.

Pay attention to:

• Pauses that last longer than expected

• Topics they start but don't finish

• Emotional reactions that don't match their words

• Body language that contradicts what they're saying

• The subject underneath the subject

When you notice a mismatch, gently name it.

"You're saying you're fine, but you seem upset. What's really going on?"

Don't assume you know what they're not saying. But do notice the gap between words and truth.

What You'll Discover

Here's what happens when you start listening to the whole conversation of words, silence, body language, and emotion.

You'll hear things people desperately need you to know but can't quite say.

You'll catch the pain underneath the anger.

You'll notice the fear hiding behind the bravado.

You'll understand the real question underneath the surface question.

And people will feel seen in a way they rarely experience.

Because you didn't just hear their words.

You listened to them.

Tomorrow: "Listening Lesson #7: Strategic Silence (The Power of Shut Up 2.0)"

Tell me about a time when someone heard what you couldn't say. How did they know? What did that feel like?

Dr. Tom Lobaugh teaches communication, listening, and ethics at Boise State University, coached high school track and field for 20 years, and is completing his PhD in Psychology with an emphasis in Performance. Learn more at tomlobaugh.com

Listening Lesson #5: Lean In (Your Body Speaks First)

The final skill: how your posture creates permission

We've reached the final lesson in Week 1 of Listening Skills.

You've learned to stop talking. To breathe. To focus and remove distractions.

Now comes the physical act of listening itself:

Lean in. Make eye contact. Affirm. Ask.

Your body communicates before you ever open your mouth. And the person you're listening to? They're reading every signal.

Let me show you what I mean.

The Tale of Two Office Hours

Student A walks into my office. I stay seated, leaning back in my chair. I look at them, but my posture is closed, arms crossed, body angled slightly toward my computer. I'm listening to their words, but my body language says: "I'm busy. Make this quick."

They ask their question. I answer. They leave.

That's a transaction. Not a conversation.

Student B walks into my office. I stand up to greet them. I gesture to a chair. I sit, but I lean forward, elbows on knees, body turned fully toward them, open posture. I make eye contact. I nod as they speak. My face shows I'm tracking with them.

They ask the same question as Student A. But something different happens.

They go deeper. They share the real struggle behind the question. They stay longer. They leave feeling heard.

Same words from me. Same amount of time. Same answer.

Different body language. Completely different outcome.

The Four Physical Elements

From my "Excellent Listening Skills 5.0" guide, here are the four actions that transform passive hearing into active listening:

1. LEAN IN

Literally. Physically move your body toward them.

Not into their personal space—that's aggressive. But close enough that they know: nothing else is competing for your attention.

In coaching, I learned this watching great coaches work. The best ones? They always moved toward the athlete during important conversations. Not away. Not neutral. Toward.

Closed distance = increased intimacy and trust.

It's physics. It's also human nature.

When you lean in, you say: "This moment matters. You matter. Nothing is more important than what you're telling me right now."

2. MAKE EYE CONTACT

Not staring. Not intimidating. Present.

Eye contact is tricky—cultural norms vary, and some people find it uncomfortable. But in most Western contexts, appropriate eye contact communicates respect and attention.

Here's what I teach students:

Good eye contact: Looking at someone's face, not just their eyes. Following their expressions. Being present with them visually.

Bad eye contact: Staring without blinking (creepy). Looking away constantly (disinterested). Eyes on your phone/computer/watch (dismissive).

The goal isn't to lock eyes for the entire conversation. It's to show through your gaze: "I see you. You're real to me. You're not invisible."

3. AFFIRM

This is where many people get listening wrong.

They think affirming means:

• Jumping in with "I know exactly what you mean!"

• Finishing sentences

• Sharing their own similar story

• Offering solutions

That's not affirming. That's hijacking.

Real affirmation in listening looks like:

• Nodding genuinely as they speak

• Facial expressions that match their emotion

• Small verbal cues: "Mm-hmm," "I hear you," "Keep going"

• Leaning forward when they hit something important

• Silence that holds space for them

You're tracking with them. Not planning your response. Not waiting for your turn.

Actually following their story. Being present with their experience.

It says: "I'm with you. Keep going. This is important."

4. ASK

The right questions deepen conversation. The wrong questions derail it.

Questions that deepen:

• "Tell me more about that."

• "What was that like for you?"

• "How did that make you feel?"

• "What happened next?"

• "Help me understand..."

Questions that derail:

• "Have you tried...?" (Advice, not listening)

• "Why didn't you...?" (Judgment, not curiosity)

• "That reminds me of when I..." (Deflection, not engagement)

• "What are you going to do about it?" (Pressure, not support)

The goal of asking isn't to fix or solve or show how smart you are.

It's to invite them deeper into their own story.

To show them you want to understand, not just hear.

The Athlete Who Taught Me

Twenty years of coaching high jump taught me that athletes know—instantly—whether you're really watching or just present.

Early in my coaching, I'd stand on the field during practice, technically observing. But my mind was elsewhere. Planning the next drill. Thinking about tomorrow's meet. Present in body only.

Athletes could tell.

They'd make attempts, land, look at me for feedback. And I'd give generic coaching: "Good job," or "Try again."

Nothing specific. Nothing that showed I was actually with them in that moment.

Then I learned to lean in.

Literally: I'd move closer to the pit. Make eye contact before their approach. Nod as they set up. Watch their full attempt—not just the jump, but their face, their body language, their energy.

After they landed, I'd move toward them, not away.

"I saw you hesitate on step three. What was happening there?"

Or: "Your face changed right before takeoff. What were you thinking?"

Questions that showed I was THERE. Fully present. Watching not just their technique, but THEM.

Everything changed.

Athletes started trusting me with their real struggles. Not just "I can't clear the bar," but "I'm afraid of getting hurt again" or "I don't think I'm good enough."

The depth of conversation changed because my body language gave them permission to go deeper.

The Mirror Effect

Here's what I've learned over thousands of conversations:

People mirror your body language.

When I lean back, they lean back. When I lean forward, they lean forward.

When I close off, they close off. When I open up, they open up.

When I'm distracted, they stay surface-level. When I'm fully present, they risk vulnerability.

Your posture doesn't just communicate attention.

It creates permission.

Permission to be real. To go deeper. To trust you with what matters.

The Practice: All Five Skills

Today's challenge uses everything you've learned this week:

Have one conversation where you use all five skills:

1. STOP TALKING - Let them speak without interruption

2. BREATHE - Take three deep breaths before the conversation to prepare yourself

3. FOCUS - Remove all distractions (phone away, laptop closed, clear space)

4. LEAN IN - Use your body to show full presence

5. ACTUALLY LISTEN - Track with them, affirm, ask deepening questions

One conversation. All five skills.

Watch what happens.

Week One: Complete

You now have the fundamental skills of listening:

✓ You understand that listening ≠ hearing ✓ You know how to stop talking (the hardest skill) ✓ You've learned to breathe and prepare yourself ✓ You've cleared the space of distractions ✓ You've learned how your body language speaks

The question now isn't whether you know HOW to listen.

The question is: WILL you?

Someone in your life is waiting to be heard.

Not advised. Not fixed. Not interrupted or dismissed or managed.

Heard.

Will you give them that gift?

Weekend Reflection Question:

Which of the five skills was hardest for you this week? Which one changed a conversation? Tell me in the comments—I'm reading every response (and yes, that means I'm listening 👂).

Dr. Tom Lobaugh teaches communication and ethics at Boise State University, coached high school track and field for 20 years, and is completing his PhD in Psychology with an emphasis in Performance. Learn more at tomlobaugh.com

Listening Lesson #4: Focus (Make Them the Most Important Person)

The physics of attention: what you place between you matters

I have a rule in my office hours that students find strange at first:

Put your phone away. Not face-down on the table. Away. In your bag, your pocket, another room. Gone.

Laptops closed unless we're looking at something together.

Books and bags off the desk between us.

Nothing but space and attention.

"Why?" a student asked once, clearly annoyed. "I'm not even using it."

"Because," I said, "I want you to know you're the most important person in the world to me right now. And I can't show you that if there's a phone between us."

She paused. Then quietly put her phone in her backpack.

After our conversation, she said: "That's the first time a professor has talked to me without checking their phone. I actually felt like I mattered."

That broke my heart.

And made me more committed than ever to this practice.

The Physics of Distraction

Here's what research tells us, and what I've observed in 25 years of conversations:

The mere presence of a phone—even face-down, even silent—reduces the quality of conversation.

Not because you're using it. Because it's there.

Your brain knows it might buzz. Might light up. Might deliver something more interesting, more urgent, more important than the person in front of you.

The person in front of you knows this too.

And that knowledge changes everything.

What Your Phone Says

When your phone sits on the table during a conversation, here's the message it sends:

"You're important... but not as important as whoever might text me."

"I'm listening... but I'm also ready to be interrupted."

"You have my attention... for now."

We think we're being polite by leaving it face-down. "See? I'm not even looking at it!"

But the person across from you sees something else: an exit strategy. A backup plan. A signal that this conversation is conditional.

The Coaching Field

I learned this lesson on the track, not in a classroom.

Early in my coaching career, I'd stand on the field with my phone in my pocket. Athletes would come talk to me about their jumps, their fears, their struggles.

And sometimes—just sometimes—I'd glance at my phone. Just to check. Just in case.

You know what I noticed?

The athletes who saw me check my phone mid-conversation? They stopped opening up. They gave me surface-level answers. They saved their real questions for another time.

The message I'd sent was clear: You're not important enough to hold my full attention.

I put my phone in my bag after that. Left it in the office. Made a rule: when I'm with athletes, I'm WITH them.

Everything changed.

They trusted me with harder questions. Deeper fears. Real struggles.

Not because I became a better coach.

Because I removed the barrier that told them they weren't worth my full attention.

The Architecture of Listening

I call this "conversational architecture"—the physical structures we create that either support or sabotage real listening.

Bad architecture:

• Phone on the table (even face-down)

• Laptop open (even if you're "just taking notes")

• Keys, wallet, or other fidget objects in your hands

• Physical barriers (desk, table, bags) creating distance

• Your body angled away, ready to leave

Good architecture:

• Phone completely out of sight

• Laptop closed or absent

• Hands empty and visible

• Clear space between you—nothing blocking eye contact

• Body turned fully toward them

• Posture that says: "I'm here. Nowhere else. Just here."

The physical space shapes the emotional space.

Clear the first, and you create room for the second.

The Student Who Felt Seen

Last semester, a student came to my office hours struggling with a class project. She was anxious, apologetic, talking fast.

I did my usual routine: phone in the drawer, laptop closed, clear desk, turned my chair toward her.

She noticed.

Mid-sentence, she stopped and said: "What are you doing?"

"Doing what?"

"Putting everything away. Looking at me like I'm the only person who exists."

"Because right now," I said, "you ARE the only person who exists. This moment is yours. And I want you to know that."

She teared up.

"No one's ever done that before," she said.

We spent the next 30 minutes working through her project. But the breakthrough wasn't academic.

It was human.

She felt seen. Valued. Worth someone's undivided attention.

The Practice

Here's your challenge for today: Have one conversation with ZERO distractions.

Before the conversation starts:

• Put your phone in another room (yes, really)

• Close your laptop

• Clear the physical space between you

• Remove anything you might fidget with

• Turn your full body toward them

Then watch what happens.

Watch how they relax when they realize you're not going anywhere.

Watch how they go deeper when they trust they have your full attention.

Watch how the conversation transforms when nothing competes for your focus.

What You'll Learn

Here's what I've discovered over thousands of conversations, when you remove distractions, you don't just hear better. You connect better.

The other person feels it. They sense your presence. They trust you with more.

And you? You actually experience the conversation instead of managing it while monitoring six other things.

You remember what they said. You notice their body language. You hear what they're NOT saying. You're actually there.

The Most Important Person

My students sometimes ask: "But what if there's an emergency?"

Here's what I tell them:

For the next 15 minutes, this person IS the emergency.

Their struggle. Their question. Their need to be heard.

That's the emergency you're responding to.

Everything else can wait.

And if it can't? You tell them upfront: "I have 15 minutes before I need to check on something. For these 15 minutes, you have my complete attention."

Honesty + presence = trust.

The Invitation

Today, make someone feel like the most important person in the world.

Not through your words.

Through your attention.

Clear the space. Remove the barriers. Be fully present.

Watch what happens when someone feels truly seen.

It might be the most important conversation they have all week.

Tomorrow: "Listening Lesson #5: Lean In (The Body Language of Listening)"

When was the last time someone gave you their complete, undivided attention? How did it feel?

Dr. Tom Lobaugh teaches communication, listening, and ethics at Boise State University, coached high school track and field for 20 years, and is completing his PhD in Psychology with an emphasis in Performance. Learn more at tomlobaugh.com

Listening Lesson #3: Breathe (The Forgotten Preparation)

Before you can listen to someone else, you must listen to yourself

There's a moment that happens in my listening classes that students remember years later.

I ask them to have a difficult conversation with someone they've been avoiding. They're nervous. You can see it in their faces, the way they shift in their seats, cross their arms.

Then I give them the simplest instruction:

Before you speak to them, take three deep breaths.

They look at me like I've lost my mind. "That's it? Just breathe?"

Yes. Just breathe.

And it changes everything.

The Speed of Your Last Task

Here's what I've learned from 25 years of conversations—in classrooms, on athletic fields, in hospital rooms, across coffee shop tables:

Your body is still moving at the speed of your last task.

You just rushed from a meeting. Your mind is churning through emails. You're thinking about the argument you had this morning, the deadline tomorrow, the text you need to send. You're physically present, but you're not here.

The person in front of you deserves better than your leftover attention.

Why Athletes Get This

I coached high jump for 20 years. You know what separates good jumpers from great ones?

Not talent. Not even technique.

Preparation.

The best jumpers have a ritual before every attempt. They breathe. They visualize. They prepare their bodies for what's about to happen. They don't just walk up to the bar and hope for the best.

You wouldn't start a race without warming up. You wouldn't lift weights without preparing your muscles. You wouldn't perform surgery without scrubbing in.

So why would you enter an important conversation without preparing your mind?

The Three-Breath Protocol

Here's what I teach every student in my listening classes:

Before any important conversation: Take a deep breath. Let it out slowly. Breathe deeply again. And again. That's it. Three breaths. Maybe 30 seconds total.

What Breathing Actually Does

This isn't some mystical nonsense. There's real physiology here: Breathing slows your racing mind. Your thoughts are firing at the speed of anxiety. Deep breathing literally changes your brain wave patterns, shifting you from reactive to receptive mode.

Breathing signals importance to your body. When you pause to breathe, you're telling your nervous system: "This moment matters. Pay attention."

Breathing creates physical presence. You can't be fully present in your body while your breath is shallow and rapid. Deep breathing grounds you in the now.

Breathing prepares you to receive. Listening isn't just about hearing words—it's about receiving another person's experience, emotions, meaning. You can't receive when you're still broadcasting from your last moment.

The Dad Conversation

A student told me this story last semester:

She'd been avoiding a conversation with her father for months. Every time she thought about it, her chest tightened, her mind raced with everything she wanted to say, all the ways it could go wrong.

I gave her the three-breath assignment.

She called him. Before he answered, she took three deep breaths.

"Professor Lobaugh," she told me later, "those three breaths changed everything. I wasn't anxious anymore. I wasn't rehearsing my speech. I was just... there. Present. Ready to actually talk to my dad instead of AT him."

The conversation didn't solve everything. But it was honest. Real. Connected.

Because she prepared herself to listen.

The Classroom Moment

I do this myself before every class, every office hour appointment, every difficult conversation with a colleague.

Three deep breaths.

Students notice. "Why do you always pause before you start talking to us?" one asked.

"Because you deserve my full attention," I said. "And I can't give it to you if I'm still thinking about the last thing I was doing."

That student later told me it was the first time a professor had ever made her feel like she actually mattered.

The Practice

Here's your assignment for today:

Before your next important conversation, with a student, a colleague, a family member, anyone, stop and breathe.

Don't announce it. Don't make it weird. Just:

1. Stop what you're doing

2. Take a deep breath in through your nose

3. Let it out slowly through your mouth

4. Repeat two more times

5. Notice the shift in your body

6. Now you're ready

The person won't know you did it. But they'll feel the difference.

They'll feel your presence. Your readiness. Your respect for this moment.

What Changes

When you breathe before listening, something shifts.

You're no longer bringing the chaos of your day into this conversation. You're no longer half-present, half-distracted. You're no longer performing or managing or controlling.

You're just... here.

Breathing. Present. Ready to listen.

It takes 30 seconds.

It changes everything.

Tomorrow: "Listening Lesson #4: Focus (And Why Your Phone Is the Enemy)"

What's one conversation you need to prepare for this week? Try the three-breath practice and tell me what shifts.

Dr. Tom Lobaugh teaches communication, listening, and ethics at Boise State University, coached high school track and field for 20 years, and is completing his PhD in Psychology with an emphasis in Performance. Learn more at tomlobaugh.com