Listen Up: When Listening Isn't Enough

Knowing when to move from attention to action

For nine days, you've been learning to listen.

Today, I'm going to tell you something that might seem like it contradicts everything we've worked on:

Sometimes listening isn't enough. Sometimes it's not even the right thing to do.

This is the hardest lesson. And the most important.

When Listening Becomes Complicity

Here's what I've learned in 30 years of difficult conversations:

There are moments when listening without action is not compassion, it's avoidance.

When a student tells you they're being abused, listening isn't enough. You call authorities.

When an athlete shows signs of an eating disorder, listening isn't enough. You get them to a professional.

When a colleague makes racist comments, listening isn't enough. You name it and challenge it.

When someone is in immediate danger, listening isn't enough. You intervene.

Listening is a powerful tool. But it's not always the right tool.

The Three Questions

Before every difficult conversation, I now ask myself three questions:

1. Is this person safe?

From others? From themselves?

If the answer is no, listening is not your primary responsibility. Safety is.

2. Does this situation require expertise I don't have?

Mental health crisis? Legal issue? Medical emergency?

If yes, listening is step one. Referral to someone qualified is step two.

3. Is my listening creating space for change, or enabling harm to continue?

This is the hardest question.

Sometimes "being there" for someone means they never have to face consequences or get real help.

The Athlete I Had to Confront

Five years into coaching, I had an athlete who was struggling with anxiety and disordered eating. She'd come talk to me. I'd listen. She'd feel better temporarily.

This went on for months.

I told myself I was being supportive. That listening was what she needed.

One day, another coach pulled me aside: "You're not helping her. You're helping her avoid getting professional help. Your listening is enabling her to stay sick."

That gutted me. They were right.

The next time she came to talk, I said, "I care about you. And I can't keep having these conversations without you also seeing a professional. I'm not qualified to help you with this. Please make an appointment with the counselor?"

She was angry. A parent was angry.

She made the appointment. It was the right thing to do.

The Listening-to-Action Continuum

Not every conversation needs action. But you need to know where you are on this continuum:

Level 1: Pure Listening They need to process. Work through thoughts. Be heard. No action required.

What to do: Friend venting about a frustrating day. Your job: Listen.

Level 2: Listening + Reflection They need you to mirror back what you're hearing so they can hear themselves.

What to do: Student unsure about major. Your job: Listen and reflect their own wisdom back to them.

Level 3: Listening + Resources They need information or connection to resources.

What to do: Colleague struggling with work-life balance. Your job: Listen, then share resources if asked.

Level 4: Listening + Direct Feedback They need honesty, even if it's uncomfortable.

What to do: Friend in a destructive relationship. Your job: Listen, then speak truth.

Level 5: Listening + Immediate Action Safety is at risk. Listening alone is insufficient or harmful.

What to do: Someone in crisis. Your job: Listen, then act—call for help, report to authorities, intervene directly.

The Signs You Need to Act

How do you know when to move from listening to action?

Move to action when:

✓ Someone expresses intent to harm themselves or others ✓ You hear about abuse (especially of children or vulnerable adults) ✓ Mental health symptoms are severe and worsening ✓ Addiction is escalating and untreated ✓ They're asking for help but don't know how to access it ✓ Power dynamics make it unsafe for them to act alone ✓ The pattern has repeated many times without change

Stay in listening mode when:

✓ They're processing normally difficult life stuff ✓ They have capacity and resources to act ✓ They need space to figure things out themselves ✓ Your action would disempower them ✓ They're not asking for advice or intervention

The Balance

Here's the tension: We live in a world that over-intervenes and under-listens.

People rush to fix, advise, solve, rescue, and before they've truly heard.

I've spent nine lessons teaching you to listen first. To slow down. To create space. To hear fully.

I don't want to overcorrect so far that you think listening is always the answer.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do after listening is to act.

The Questions to Ask Yourself

After listening, ask:

1. "Is this person safe right now?" If no → act immediately

2. "Is this within my capacity to handle?" If no → refer to someone qualified

3. "Am I the right person for this?" If no → help them find the right person

4. "What does this person actually need from me?" Sometimes it's just listening. Sometimes it's more.

5. "If I do nothing beyond listening, what happens?" If the answer is "harm continues" → you need to act

The Grief Counsel Lesson

In my years doing grief counseling and hospice work, I learned this principle: Presence first. Action when necessary.

Sit with someone in their pain before you try to fix it.

But don't sit so long that you miss the moment when sitting becomes abandonment.

A grieving widow needs you to listen, not to give advice or rush her healing.

A grieving widow who hasn't eaten in days and is talking about "joining them" needs you to act. Get family involved, call her doctor, don't leave her alone.

Same person. Different moments. Different responses. Listening is the foundation. Sometimes you have to build on that foundation.

The Practice

This week's practice is about discernment. Review the important conversations you've had recently.

For each one, ask:

• Was listening enough?

• Should I have done more?

• Did I act when I should have just listened?

• Did I just listen when I should have acted?

Going forward:

• Listen first (always)

• Assess what's actually needed

• Be willing to move beyond listening when the situation requires it

• Don't confuse "being supportive" with "being helpful"

What This Means

You now have ten lessons in listening. You know how to:

1. Distinguish listening from hearing

2. Stop talking

3. Breathe and prepare

4. Focus and remove distractions

5. Lean in with your body

6. Listen for what's not being said

7. Use strategic silence

8. Ask transformative questions

9. Listen across difference

10. Know when listening isn't enough

You've learned to listen. Now learn when to act.

The goal was never just to be a good listener.

The goal is to be a good human, someone who knows when to be present and when to intervene, when to hold space and when to take action.

Listening is powerful. It's not always sufficient. Trust yourself to know the difference.

Next week: Not sure yet. I am gathering data for my PhD in a couple of weeks and that has been time consuming. Maybe we can explore some of those topics. Let me know in the comments, how I can help.

Practice everything you've learned. Notice when you listen well. Notice when you need to move beyond listening.

You're not just learning skills. You're becoming someone who truly sees and hears others.

That matters more than you know.

Weekend Reflection: When has someone listened to you and then acted on your behalf? What did that mean to you? And when have you wished someone would stop just listening and actually do something?

Dr. Tom Lobaugh teaches communication, listening, and ethics at Boise State University, coached high school track and field for 20 years, and is completing his PhD in Psychology with an emphasis in Performance. Learn more at tomlobaugh.com