You can’t listen while you’re reloading
You know the feeling.
Someone says something that lands wrong. Your face gets hot. Your jaw sets. And suddenly you’re nodding along while building your counterargument, brick by brick.
You look like you’re listening.
You’re reloading.
The Meeting That Went Sideways
I spent thirty years leading congregations. If you want a master class in conflict, sit through a church meeting about carpet color, or music, or screens in worship.
Here’s what I learned in those rooms: the angriest person usually wasn’t the problem.
The problem was everyone getting ready to answer them.
Including me.
The moment I felt attacked, my listening shut down. I heard the first sentence, decided what they meant, and spent the rest of the time preparing my rebuttal. I wasn’t hearing a person anymore. I was hearing an opponent. Some of us are taught to be right and others wrong.
And opponents don’t get listened to. They get answered.
Your Body Gets There First
Anger is fast. It hits your body before your brain gets a vote. Heart rate up. Breath short. Shoulders tight. A result of fear and frustration.
That’s why the skills from the first two weeks matter most right here:
Breathe. (Lesson #3) Three breaths aren’t a time-out. They’re how you get your brain back online.
Count. (Lesson #7) Ten seconds of silence feels impossible when you’re angry. That’s exactly why it works.
Ask what, not why. (Lesson #8) “Why would you say that?” is a punch. “What’s going on for you?” is a door.
Say It Back First
Here’s the one move that changed conflict for me:
Before you say what you think, say what you heard.
“Let me make sure I’ve got this. You’re frustrated because…”
Then let them correct you. They usually will. That’s the point.
Two things happen. They calm down, because being understood takes the fuel out of anger. And you calm down, because you can’t summarize someone and fight them at the same time.
You still get your turn. You still get to disagree. Listening isn’t surrender.
But now you’re disagreeing with what they said, not with the version you built while you were reloading.
The Practice
The next time you feel the heat rise in a conversation, notice it. Name it to yourself: I’m reloading. Take one breath.
Then say back what you heard before you say anything else.
That’s it.
You won’t win every argument this way.
And you’ll stop fighting the ones that never needed to happen.
Your turn: What does your body do when you get defensive? Tell me in the comments. I’m listening.
Tomorrow: “Listening Lesson #13: Grief (Sitting With What Can’t Be Fixed)”
— Tom Lobaugh | tomlobaugh.com