When silence is the most powerful thing you can say
In Lesson #2, we learned to stop talking.
Today, we are learning to stay stopped—even when every fiber of your being wants to jump in.
This is advanced work. And it will transform your most important conversations.
The Ten-Second Rule
Here's something I learned from a grief counselor I worked with during my years in hospice care: When someone finishes speaking, count to ten before you respond.
Not out loud. In your head.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.
Ten seconds of silence.
It feels like an eternity. You'll want to fill it. Your brain will scream at you: Say something! This is awkward! They're waiting for you!
Don't.
Count to ten.
Here's what happens in those ten seconds:
What Silence Creates
Second 1-3: Discomfort
Both of you feel it. The urge to fill the space. The social pressure to keep the conversation moving.
Second 4-6: Settling
The discomfort eases slightly. They realize you're not going to rush them. You're not going to hijack the conversation.
Second 7-10: Deepening
This is where magic happens.
They realize they have more to say. They go deeper. They add the thing they were afraid to share. They get to the truth underneath the first truth.
Most people never hear this part. Because most people can't make it past second three without jumping in.
The Office Hours Story
A student came to see me about a paper. Standard stuff—wanted feedback on her presentation.
She explained her argument. I listened. She finished.
Old me would have jumped right in: "Okay, here's what I think..."
Instead, I counted. One. Two. Three...
At second five, she said: "Actually, that's not really what I'm struggling with."
I stayed quiet.
"I don't know if I belong here. In this major. In college. Everyone else seems so confident and I feel like I'm faking it."
There it was. The real conversation.
If I'd responded at second two, we would have talked about her thesis for twenty minutes and she would have left still carrying the weight of what she actually needed to say.
The Three Strategic Silences
Not all silence is the same. Here are three types of strategic silence and when to use each:
1. The Invitation Silence (After They Finish Speaking)
When to use it: They've said something, but you sense there's more
How long: 5-10 seconds
What it communicates: "Take your time. I'm not rushing you. There's space here for you to say more."
Example: They say, "I'm thinking about quitting." You count to ten. They add, "My boss is making my life miserable, and I can't take it anymore."
2. The Processing Silence (After You've Asked a Question)
When to use it: You've asked a meaningful question and they need time to think
How long: As long as they need. Could be 30 seconds. Could be a minute.
What it communicates: "This question matters. Your answer matters. I'm not looking for a quick response—I'm looking for a true one."
Example: You ask, "What do you really want?" Then you shut up and let them think. Really think.
3. The Holding Silence (When They're Emotional)
When to use it: They're crying, angry, or overwhelmed
How long: Until they're ready to speak again
What it communicates: "I can handle your emotion. You don't need to pull yourself together for me. I'm here."
Example: They start crying. You don't say "It's okay" or "Don't cry." You just sit with them. Present. Silent. Holding space.
The Coaching Field
Twenty years coaching high jump taught me that the best coaching often happens in silence.
An athlete would fail an attempt. Walk back to me. I could see the frustration, the disappointment, the fear building.
Every instinct said: Coach them. Fix it. Tell them what went wrong and how to correct it.
Instead, I learned to ask one question: "What happened?"
Then shut up.
Really shut up.
Let them figure it out. Let them process. Let them coach themselves.
The athletes who grew the most? The ones I gave space to think instead of feeding them answers.
Why We Can't Stay Silent
Here's why strategic silence is so hard:
We think silence means we're not helping. We equate talking with being useful. If we're not speaking, we feel like we're failing them.
We're uncomfortable with emotion. When someone cries or gets angry, we want to make it stop. Silence means sitting in their discomfort with them.
We want to prove we understand. Jumping in with "I know exactly what you mean!" makes us feel connected. But it's false connection.
We're afraid of the truth. Sometimes we stay talking because we don't want to hear what will emerge in the silence.
The Practice
Today's challenge requires courage:
Use strategic silence at least three times in conversation.
After someone finishes speaking: Count to ten before you respond.
After you ask a meaningful question: Let the silence stretch while they think.
When someone is emotional: Don't rush to fix or soothe. Just be present.
Notice what happens.
Notice what they say in the silence.
Notice how the quality of the conversation changes.
The Student Who Needed Time
Last semester, I asked a student at coffee on campus: "Why did you choose this major?"
Standard question. Usually gets a standard answer.
But this time, I counted. I let the silence build.
Ten seconds. Twenty. Thirty.
She finally said: "I didn't. My parents chose it. And I don't know how to tell them I hate it."
That silence created space for truth.
The Permission
Here's what I want you to understand: Silence is not emptiness. It's space.
Space for thinking. Space for feeling. Space for truth-telling. Space for becoming.
When you stay silent, you're not abandoning the conversation.
You're creating room for something real to emerge.
Tomorrow: "Listening Lesson #8: Questions That Transform (Stop Asking 'Why?')"
What's the longest silence you've ever sat in during a conversation? What happened in that space?
Dr. Tom Lobaugh teaches communication, listening, and ethics at Boise State University, coached high school track and field for 20 years, and is completing his PhD in Psychology with an emphasis in Performance. Learn more at tomlobaugh.com