Before you can listen to someone else, you must listen to yourself
There's a moment that happens in my listening classes that students remember years later.
I ask them to have a difficult conversation with someone they've been avoiding. They're nervous. You can see it in their faces, the way they shift in their seats, cross their arms.
Then I give them the simplest instruction:
Before you speak to them, take three deep breaths.
They look at me like I've lost my mind. "That's it? Just breathe?"
Yes. Just breathe.
And it changes everything.
The Speed of Your Last Task
Here's what I've learned from 25 years of conversations—in classrooms, on athletic fields, in hospital rooms, across coffee shop tables:
Your body is still moving at the speed of your last task.
You just rushed from a meeting. Your mind is churning through emails. You're thinking about the argument you had this morning, the deadline tomorrow, the text you need to send. You're physically present, but you're not here.
The person in front of you deserves better than your leftover attention.
Why Athletes Get This
I coached high jump for 20 years. You know what separates good jumpers from great ones?
Not talent. Not even technique.
Preparation.
The best jumpers have a ritual before every attempt. They breathe. They visualize. They prepare their bodies for what's about to happen. They don't just walk up to the bar and hope for the best.
You wouldn't start a race without warming up. You wouldn't lift weights without preparing your muscles. You wouldn't perform surgery without scrubbing in.
So why would you enter an important conversation without preparing your mind?
The Three-Breath Protocol
Here's what I teach every student in my listening classes:
Before any important conversation: Take a deep breath. Let it out slowly. Breathe deeply again. And again. That's it. Three breaths. Maybe 30 seconds total.
What Breathing Actually Does
This isn't some mystical nonsense. There's real physiology here: Breathing slows your racing mind. Your thoughts are firing at the speed of anxiety. Deep breathing literally changes your brain wave patterns, shifting you from reactive to receptive mode.
Breathing signals importance to your body. When you pause to breathe, you're telling your nervous system: "This moment matters. Pay attention."
Breathing creates physical presence. You can't be fully present in your body while your breath is shallow and rapid. Deep breathing grounds you in the now.
Breathing prepares you to receive. Listening isn't just about hearing words—it's about receiving another person's experience, emotions, meaning. You can't receive when you're still broadcasting from your last moment.
The Dad Conversation
A student told me this story last semester:
She'd been avoiding a conversation with her father for months. Every time she thought about it, her chest tightened, her mind raced with everything she wanted to say, all the ways it could go wrong.
I gave her the three-breath assignment.
She called him. Before he answered, she took three deep breaths.
"Professor Lobaugh," she told me later, "those three breaths changed everything. I wasn't anxious anymore. I wasn't rehearsing my speech. I was just... there. Present. Ready to actually talk to my dad instead of AT him."
The conversation didn't solve everything. But it was honest. Real. Connected.
Because she prepared herself to listen.
The Classroom Moment
I do this myself before every class, every office hour appointment, every difficult conversation with a colleague.
Three deep breaths.
Students notice. "Why do you always pause before you start talking to us?" one asked.
"Because you deserve my full attention," I said. "And I can't give it to you if I'm still thinking about the last thing I was doing."
That student later told me it was the first time a professor had ever made her feel like she actually mattered.
The Practice
Here's your assignment for today:
Before your next important conversation, with a student, a colleague, a family member, anyone, stop and breathe.
Don't announce it. Don't make it weird. Just:
Stop what you're doing
Take a deep breath in through your nose
Let it out slowly through your mouth
Repeat two more times
Notice the shift in your body
Now you're ready
The person won't know you did it. But they'll feel the difference.
They'll feel your presence. Your readiness. Your respect for this moment.
What Changes
When you breathe before listening, something shifts.
You're no longer bringing the chaos of your day into this conversation. You're no longer half-present, half-distracted. You're no longer performing or managing or controlling.
You're just... here.
Breathing. Present. Ready to listen.
It takes 30 seconds.
It changes everything.
Tomorrow: "Listening Lesson #4: Focus (And Why Your Phone Is the Enemy)"
What's one conversation you need to prepare for this week? Try the three-breath practice and tell me what shifts.
Dr. Tom Lobaugh teaches communication, listening, and ethics at Boise State University, coached high school track and field for 20 years, and is completing his PhD in Psychology with an emphasis in Performance. Learn more at tomlobaugh.com