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Listening Lesson #5: Lean In (Your Body Speaks First)

The final skill: how your posture creates permission

We've reached the final lesson in Week 1 of Listening Skills.

You've learned to stop talking. To breathe. To focus and remove distractions.

Now comes the physical act of listening itself:

Lean in. Make eye contact. Affirm. Ask.

Your body communicates before you ever open your mouth. And the person you're listening to? They're reading every signal.

Let me show you what I mean.

The Tale of Two Office Hours

Student A walks into my office. I stay seated, leaning back in my chair. I look at them, but my posture is closed, arms crossed, body angled slightly toward my computer. I'm listening to their words, but my body language says: "I'm busy. Make this quick."

They ask their question. I answer. They leave.

That's a transaction. Not a conversation.

Student B walks into my office. I stand up to greet them. I gesture to a chair. I sit, but I lean forward, elbows on knees, body turned fully toward them, open posture. I make eye contact. I nod as they speak. My face shows I'm tracking with them.

They ask the same question as Student A. But something different happens.

They go deeper. They share the real struggle behind the question. They stay longer. They leave feeling heard.

Same words from me. Same amount of time. Same answer.

Different body language. Completely different outcome.

The Four Physical Elements

From my "Excellent Listening Skills 5.0" guide, here are the four actions that transform passive hearing into active listening:

1. LEAN IN

Literally. Physically move your body toward them.

Not into their personal space—that's aggressive. But close enough that they know: nothing else is competing for your attention.

In coaching, I learned this watching great coaches work. The best ones? They always moved toward the athlete during important conversations. Not away. Not neutral. Toward.

Closed distance = increased intimacy and trust.

It's physics. It's also human nature.

When you lean in, you say: "This moment matters. You matter. Nothing is more important than what you're telling me right now."

2. MAKE EYE CONTACT

Not staring. Not intimidating. Present.

Eye contact is tricky—cultural norms vary, and some people find it uncomfortable. But in most Western contexts, appropriate eye contact communicates respect and attention.

Here's what I teach students:

Good eye contact: Looking at someone's face, not just their eyes. Following their expressions. Being present with them visually.

Bad eye contact: Staring without blinking (creepy). Looking away constantly (disinterested). Eyes on your phone/computer/watch (dismissive).

The goal isn't to lock eyes for the entire conversation. It's to show through your gaze: "I see you. You're real to me. You're not invisible."

3. AFFIRM

This is where many people get listening wrong.

They think affirming means:

  • Jumping in with "I know exactly what you mean!"

  • Finishing sentences

  • Sharing their own similar story

  • Offering solutions

That's not affirming. That's hijacking.

Real affirmation in listening looks like:

  • Nodding genuinely as they speak

  • Facial expressions that match their emotion

  • Small verbal cues: "Mm-hmm," "I hear you," "Keep going"

  • Leaning forward when they hit something important

  • Silence that holds space for them

You're tracking with them. Not planning your response. Not waiting for your turn.

Actually following their story. Being present with their experience.

It says: "I'm with you. Keep going. This is important."

4. ASK

The right questions deepen conversation. The wrong questions derail it.

Questions that deepen:

  • "Tell me more about that."

  • "What was that like for you?"

  • "How did that make you feel?"

  • "What happened next?"

  • "Help me understand..."

Questions that derail:

  • "Have you tried...?" (Advice, not listening)

  • "Why didn't you...?" (Judgment, not curiosity)

  • "That reminds me of when I..." (Deflection, not engagement)

  • "What are you going to do about it?" (Pressure, not support)

The goal of asking isn't to fix or solve or show how smart you are.

It's to invite them deeper into their own story.

To show them you want to understand, not just hear.

The Athlete Who Taught Me

Twenty years of coaching high jump taught me that athletes know—instantly—whether you're really watching or just present.

Early in my coaching, I'd stand on the field during practice, technically observing. But my mind was elsewhere. Planning the next drill. Thinking about tomorrow's meet. Present in body only.

Athletes could tell.

They'd make attempts, land, look at me for feedback. And I'd give generic coaching: "Good job," or "Try again."

Nothing specific. Nothing that showed I was actually with them in that moment.

Then I learned to lean in.

Literally: I'd move closer to the pit. Make eye contact before their approach. Nod as they set up. Watch their full attempt—not just the jump, but their face, their body language, their energy.

After they landed, I'd move toward them, not away.

"I saw you hesitate on step three. What was happening there?"

Or: "Your face changed right before takeoff. What were you thinking?"

Questions that showed I was THERE. Fully present. Watching not just their technique, but THEM.

Everything changed.

Athletes started trusting me with their real struggles. Not just "I can't clear the bar," but "I'm afraid of getting hurt again" or "I don't think I'm good enough."

The depth of conversation changed because my body language gave them permission to go deeper.

The Mirror Effect

Here's what I've learned over thousands of conversations:

People mirror your body language.

When I lean back, they lean back. When I lean forward, they lean forward.

When I close off, they close off. When I open up, they open up.

When I'm distracted, they stay surface-level. When I'm fully present, they risk vulnerability.

Your posture doesn't just communicate attention.

It creates permission.

Permission to be real. To go deeper. To trust you with what matters.

The Practice: All Five Skills

Today's challenge uses everything you've learned this week:

Have one conversation where you use all five skills:

  1. STOP TALKING - Let them speak without interruption

  2. BREATHE - Take three deep breaths before the conversation to prepare yourself

  3. FOCUS - Remove all distractions (phone away, laptop closed, clear space)

  4. LEAN IN - Use your body to show full presence

  5. ACTUALLY LISTEN - Track with them, affirm, ask deepening questions

One conversation. All five skills.

Watch what happens.

Week One: Complete

You now have the fundamental skills of listening:

✓ You understand that listening ≠ hearing ✓ You know how to stop talking (the hardest skill) ✓ You've learned to breathe and prepare yourself ✓ You've cleared the space of distractions ✓ You've learned how your body language speaks

The question now isn't whether you know HOW to listen.

The question is: WILL you?

Someone in your life is waiting to be heard.

Not advised. Not fixed. Not interrupted or dismissed or managed.

Heard.

Will you give them that gift?

Weekend Reflection Question:

Which of the five skills was hardest for you this week? Which one changed a conversation? Tell me in the comments—I'm reading every response (and yes, that means I'm listening 👂).

Dr. Tom Lobaugh teaches communication and ethics at Boise State University, coached high school track and field for 20 years, and is completing his PhD in Psychology with an emphasis in Performance. Learn more at tomlobaugh.com